In the wild national euphoria spurred by the Jamaican athletic team’s performances in Beijing, PM Portia Simpson-Miller has announced a bold step, to both unite the nation around its politicians, but also show that not only can they talk the talk, but they can walk the walk.

She has made the bold step of suggesting that the next major international championships, slated to be the Olympic Games in Rio, will see Jamaica field a team made up of not-able legislators. She told the nation “Do not let me hear your groans and negativity that this team of bright-eyed and bushy-tailed children of the soil cannot bring back as much glory as our youths did from Beijing. It’s truly a *meddlesome*, bunch so have no fears.”

Though the press corps were stunned, the PM took no questions, as she ran off to her next training session with coach Glen Mills. “Run, Portia, run!” could be heard in the corridors of Vale Royal.

PM runs from press briefing to start another training session

PM runs from press briefing to start another training session

We’ve just received a sneak preview of the preliminary names of the likely team, together with the short biographical notes.

Team captain: Portia Simpson-Miller-running women’s 100, 200 metres, 4/100 relay (lead off leg or back straight). Always gets a fast start on her opponents, and is known to love running so much, rumour is she will go to Rio on foot. Asked if she will be copying Shelly Ann Fraser-Pryce’s hair styles, the PM was heard to utter “Green is not my colour.”

Women’s 400 metres, 4/400 relay: Lisa Hanna has shown she *has legs* to canter away from the field. Though willing to also try the 400 hurdles, Ms. Hanna has decided to listen to her captain’s wishes.

Marathon: Dr. Peter Phillips, having shown that he’s up for the long haul, and using the economy of effort, will be the sole representative in the men’s event.

Men’s 5,000/10,000 metres: A.J. Nicholson has been selected, and has already issued barbs on Twitter to Britain’s Mo Farah that “This Jamaican is ready to take on “a little joke” runner pretending to represent Great Britain!” Farah has reportedly sent back an equally barbed tweet.

110 metres hurdles: Few will doubt Omar Davies’ ability to fly over all the hurdles, and  *run with it* to gold.

400 metres, 4/400 relay: Rev Ronnie Thwaites will be the politicians’ ‘donkey man’. A natural ‘leggo beast’, who can also walk on water, and has enough divine intervention to see off the stiffest of late challenges.

*Discuss*-throwing: Damion Crawford: A *lock* on the team, says the PM. He won the national trials and tribulations, by a full head of hair. We know this man always has words to throw around.

Shot-put: Peter Bunting seems to have few rivals in this event at world level, and will take with him several international firsts as regards *putting shots*. Unlike other team members, he will go with his private physician, Dr. Carl Williams, who understands more  about *shottas* than can be written in a book.

50 km walk: The PM has decided to show bipartisanship, naming Andrew Holness for this event, given his astonishing walking ability–out of Parliament, in protest of bus price *hikes*, and through garrisons.

Javelin: In another bipartisan move, the PM named both Delroy Chuck and Everald Warmington for this event. Delroy’s selection is obvious. Everald came into the reckoning with his recent innovation for the event, being able to flip the javelin using his middle finger alone.

Long jump, triple jump: On the women’s side, Sharon Hay-Webster will double up in these events for Jamaica, though rumours are she is still being approached by the US team for its roster. For the men, Bruce Golding has been encouraged to come out of his self-imposed exile to once again lead the Jamaican effort in the *bored*jumps.

High jump: Raymond Pryce has shown that he is more than ready for this event, and the bar has not yet been put high enough for him to falter.

Warmington could revolutionise the javelin throw with his middle finger flip style

Warmington could revolutionise the javelin throw with his middle finger flip style

Team doctor: Dayton Campbell will ensure that the team is not subject to any bad drugs and will ensure that no *bad blood* tests befall the team. He will be keeping close eyes on how the ladies perform in the steamy environment that is Rio.

DNQ (did not qualify): Sadly, the PM notes that several Cabinet members will not be making the team, after a series of *false starts* in their events or nagging injuries.

  • Dr. Fenton Ferguson (still *hospitalised* and suffering joint pains from recurrent attacks of Chik-v);
  • Robert Pickersgill: a sudden attack of *water on the knee* has floored ‘Bobby’, who will be heading for treatment at Milk River Spa and Noisy River.
  • Anthony Hylton, who had hoped to be a *hub* of the team, and at least run the *Krauck and Anchor* leg of a relay, is left pondering how things went so wrong with his training after such a bright start to this career.

The JAAA top officials were unavailable for comments at the time of writing, as they were still checking out duty free items as they fly back from Beijing.

It’s unclear at this stage, if the PM would leave the running of the country in the hands of new Ambassador Extraordinary, Lord Usain Bolt.

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